Gate Crasher.

Annabel & I have gotten used to being "outsiders" in the world of parents and children.

I was 19 when I fell pregnant- and I'm fairly certain I WILLED Annabel's birth to fall beyond August 31, either that or God cut me some slack and I got 9 precious days of being 20 before I was thrust into motherhood...*phew*, I got around the teenage mother stigma. Or did I?

I experienced 9 months of curious stares- read a thousand or more looks that said good on you, how irresponsible, that poor child or you could have taken care of that in this day and age.

I experienced the gossip inside and outside of the Church, and had many an opinion freely volunteered.

I think the optimist, the survivor, the desperate inside convinced myself that it would all end once the child was born. That it would all be okay. Everyone would be overjoyed- myself included...I assure you I have experienced more rejection standing with Annabel in my arms than I ever did carrying her in my belly.

We don't belong anywhere. There are the 'married's' who relate to the other couples and will occasionally humour me with polite fellow parent conversation- but there is a wall impenetrable, a gap that cannot be bridged between me and them.

There are the homeschoolers, who are Catholic, married with more children than I can count on one hand, who associate with other Catholic, married with more children than I can count on 2 hands people.

Then there are the wealthy people of this area- I went to the customary mothers group after having Annabel, and believe me did I feel the stares. And these women weren't backwards in coming forward- was she planned? How old are you? Where do you live? Is there a father? ....so many occasions where I felt we were only a question away from the one on all our minds: how did you get in here? I was never given the opportunity to ask them the same thing. Needless to say I only keep in contact with one of them. A 28 year old Italian girl who grew up in Sunshine, and who happened to find a well to do Jewish fellow, who grew up this side of town. Unfortunately, due to life getting busy, our catch-ups are few and far between and I can't bring myself to meet her baby #2 Sophie yet.

It's as though the world of parents will recognise that yes, I am a parent, and yes, she is my daughter, yet I am not like them, nor am I really welcome into 'the circle'. I tried to make connections at first, tried to get involved, tried to reach out and forge friendships for Annabel's sake as much as my own- so that she'd have friends.

It didn't work.

See they recognise that I am in their domain, their circle, their party so to speak, but recognise also that I didn't get in the front door...I wasn't invited, my name wasn't on the guestlist. I sort of snuck in the back door, and am attempting to blend in...quite clearly failing.

I've seen other women in my position.
Then they marry.
They are elevated into probationary position.
Have another one, and you are one of them.
You are in. And your original misdemeanor of the back door incident is forgotten.

I get asked frequently what playgroups, activities, play-dates I organise for Annabel, and my answer is none. My daughter is socialised with her peers once a week. For about an hour on a Monday my mother takes her to a library program called Baby Time where they sing songs, read stories, and she has her best friend there, Billy. She loves it. There are other grandparents who bring children there and my mother has made great friends with Billy's grandmother, Judy.

As far as they are concerned at Baby Time, there is nothing controversial or stand-out about Annabel's existence. Throw Annabel's mum into the mix and Annabel is as singled out as I am.

So other than an hour on a Monday, Annabel does not see children. Occasionally there will be littlies at 5pm mass on Sunday, and she will interact some, but as far as she's concerned her friends are my friends.
She begs to see "Chia" (Lucia), "Noh-mee" (Naomi), "beckee" (Beck), "Sehwa" (Sarah x2), "Cwissie" (Chrissie), "wob" (Robyn), etc etc etc. These are the names she knows, and not one of these 'friends' of my two year old, are a day younger than 21.

Sure I'd like for Annabel to have friends her own age...and I know she needs them, I just need to grow a few more wrinkles, get a legitimate ring put on my finger, and have another sibling on the way...not going to happen anytime soon.

Bernadette Black shares my sentiments in her book "Brave Little Bear".
I was a little older when I became a mother, and probably have it easy in comparison, yet she understood the difference between her treatment with a baby at 16 and her treatment with a baby ten years on.

Well, I'm standing at the front door this time- and I can wait. Annabel can too. One of these days our name will come up on that guestlist. Or maybe I'll start my own, and have other's come knocking....but I'm also leaving the back door wide open to welcome the ones who didn't make the guestlist but I know in my heart, belong there.

Goodnight people,
The Gate Crashers xoxo